Please look over my script and share your thoughts, as this is one of my first scripts.
Logline: After losing his best friend in a horrible accident, a young boy discovers a way to bring her back, but must make a heavy choice.
Vote: https://www.kinolime.com/screenplays/always-together-short
Your story idea is emotional and powerful, and the concept of bringing back a lost friend creates strong dramatic tension — I’m especially curious about the heavy choice he has to make.
I’m guessing you’re a high school student. If that’s true, then you’re off to a great start with this script. You’ve got a solid plot that carries important themes. You’re learning the basics of script formatting. That said, here are some things I think will improve your script. First, you need a good proofread-lots of grammatical errors. Probably get someone else to read it, since your brain’s auto-correct will fix things without you noticing. The dialogue needs polishing, as there are several places where it doesn’t sound natural. Getting someone to read it aloud to you will help you see where it needs improvement. Here some examples:
Pg 6.
TOM
Now we just need a full moon.
Anne pulls out her phone and checks.
ANNE
It’s in two nights.
End the scene here. It’s a more dramatic set up for the witchcraft scene.
Bottom of pg 6.
ANNE
Okay, what’s first?
Tom picks up the book and begins to read from it.
TOM
We’ve got to chop up all these herbs and throw them in a pot of boiling water.
Top of pg 5.
TOM
Don’t you see? We could bring her back.
Anne shakes her head, lets go of the book.
ANNE
You really think Marcy would want us to use witchcraft?
I think the plot could be improved, especially Marcy’s death and Tom’s reaction, which doesn’t ring true with me. Clearly the blame for Marcy’s death lies with the driver. I think it would be stronger if Tom dared her to do something dangerous, like walking across the top of a high wall and she falls and suffer a fatal head injury. Now I’d really buy Tom’s guilt.
Pg 5.
TOM
She trusted me… and I killed her.
End the scene here, then start your montage-much more dramatic, don’t you think?
Getting into scenes later and leaving them earlier tightens your script and increases the drama and tension.
You’re off to a great start. Hope this helped and good luck.