Mister Sunshine

Hi my name is Omid Wahdat. I’m 31 years old, of Afghan descent and live in the Netherlands. I’m a third-years history student at Erasmus University Rotterdam. Here is my logline for the script.

A cynical government clerk, Jack and his abusive wife, Eleanor get a fortune teller to tell their newborn son’s future. He’s going to be a prophet and die young at the hands of power! The only way to change the boy’s destiny is for Jack to pick up a phone call by a government agent and fight for the world to become a better place. Can Jack rise to the occasion or will his son die young?

Comedy/satire/thriller

I would like some feedback on my first screenplay. There are two versions for those with patience. 6 Is with long paragraphs of action lines and only 110 pages, and 7 is with the action lines split up and 120 pages. Which is better? And what else needs improvement/what do you like? Gemini gave me a higher rating on the one with longer action lines, although it complained about them being too chunky. It’s a first draft.

I initially had Jim Carrey play Jack, because he makes so much use of visual humor (making funny faces, motorboating), but then realized Jim Carrey is already 64-years-old and probably can’t play someone who just became a father. So now I have myself playing Jack, but changing his name to Ahmad or something. It can easily be changed to be about an immigrant couple in New York.

Mister Sunshine (7).pdf (262.6 KB)

Mister Sunshine (6).pdf (258.8 KB)

It ends kinda bad and abruptly because I was running out of pages. Should I fix that or keep it as is? Does it matter if it becomes 115 pages or 125 for the longer version? I want to submit to the Final Draft Big Break Contest. Do you think my script has a chance?

Here’s a revised version of the script, with a supposedly better ending (according to gemini) and my highest rating from gemini yet, an 8.2. (I also scored an 8.5 a few times, but those were for unfinished versions, I guess gemini doesn’t fully like the way I ended it, neither do I). See this and tell me what you think please.

Mister Sunshine (8).pdf (261.2 KB)