In 1881, gunfighter Eli Whitby, female ninja Yukari Fujoika, and Shaolin monk Chih Yee band together to save the town of Red Moon, Arizona, from a beast straight from Hell.
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I was trying to describe this screenplay to a friend and thought Tombstone meets Sinners was the best way to describe it. It’s so unique that I can’t find a better comp, any good shouts?
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In the end, I really enjoyed this script. Such a crazy mix of elements. I do think it can be much more engaging than it is with one major change. As it sits, the main character doesn’t really take any action (towards a goal) until after page 50. It’s just all setup. Then, when he does take action…it’s on the B-story (going by the logline.) The main character doesn’t engage the main goal (as set by the logline) until the third act. And, then, it’s quick. So…he needs to be thrown more directly into goal-centered conflict MUCH sooner.
I mean, all of the elements are there. Just needs a little more reworking.
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This is a really good point Paul. To play devil’s advocate, the extended debate period and rejection of involvement is a hallmark of a lot of Westerns - but I agree that the lead should become involved a little earlier to make this pop.
I hear what you’re saying. But, that debate and rejection have to be active. If you look back at this one, one of the main plot points–the town executives ask Whitby to be their heavy–doesn’t even happen on screen. The executives debate it, then later, Whitby mentions it. But, we never see it. We never see him squirm. Never see him consider. That’s just one example. A very small one. I mean, it really hit me when he finally did take action (pg. 51, I think)…When he goes to the ranch…I felt this breath of fresh air…like, that moment felt great. That’s when I realized what I had been missing. And, I wanted more. Heck, even the final takedown is fairly tame from a protagonist perspective. All this action swirling around…but, what did Whitby actually do? He checked a house, then shot the beast. Then had his gun stolen. That’s about the smallest way possible to finish a huge story. It just could have been so much bigger, so much more active (the sequence itself is big…but I’m talking about the protagonist’s role.) It shouldn’t have been as easy as “step into the street, shoot it.” When is Whitby ever actually in peril? (One short moment saving his friend–where his horse does the heavy lifting.) Anyway…I make it sound like I hated the script. I didn’t. I actually really liked it. The writing is really good. The setting is cool. But, the story…as good as it is…could reach several levels higher with a higher engagement level for Whitby.
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